This is post is definitely a little different from my usual but mainly because some things have been weighting pretty heavily on my mind and I find it’s always easier to write out my feelings. I find it very therapeutic and because I know I’m never alone in the way I’m feeling maybe this post will help one or more of you who might be going through a similar situation/experience.
1. I have insecurities.
First off as a family we’ve experienced a lot of changes this year. My husband made a big switch in careers which prompted a temporary move “over the hill” to San Jose. It has been an adjustment for the whole family. It definitely took a while for Mason and I to get adjusted and find our new groove. Living in someone else’s home after having been a homeowner for almost 4 years, especially a family members home, has brought up a lot of insecurity for me. I know it sounds odd and I’ve realized I’ve been hyper sensitive about it but I’m so worried about being judged for the way we live in the home. I always take care of my things and I feel I am taking care of the home to the absolute best of my ability right now but I feel like it’s not enough.
Life with a 19 month old is crazy especially one with no fear and an aptitude for exploring and getting into EVERYTHING he shouldn’t. And add two pups who are always fighting for my attention and I feel like I’m pulled in opposite directions all day long. Lexie unfortunately needed to have surgery after tearing the ligament in her back knee a week before Easter. And so now, I’m practically a nut job all day long. Saying “stay away from that,” “don’t touch this,” “slow down,” “take that out of your mouth,” “stop running,” “look where you’re going,” “watch out for Lexie”…the list of comments on repeat is probably a mile long! The house is never picked up or so it seems and last minute pop ins makes me embarrassed for having the house completely out of order. I mean I am no Martha Stewart and on my list of everything I need to take care of for our family daily, picking up after Mason as he carries random stuff throughout the house and leaves it wherever he sees fit is very low on my priority list. Actually, I pick up after him all day long but he just makes a mess again right after I’m done or even better while I’m picking up one thing he’s pulling out another. That’s mom life for you!
I have no idea if they pick up on my stress level or not or if they even notice the house is in complete disarray (I’m sure they do) but it really doesn’t matter either way because I feel judged, and I know that’s on me and my insecurities not on them. I feel like as a mom, I need to have it all together and I’m failing miserably in that department, especially right now. We decided not to find a cleaner, to save some money (we’re paying for rent + our mortgage). Looking back that was probably a mistake because the money we save is probably not worth the same as my sanity. I also didn’t have the energy or time to research and try and find someone in an area that I didn’t have recommendations for. We have cleaners we use for our house in Santa Cruz and it makes such a difference and gives me some relief knowing they take care of the deep cleaning and I can focus on the surface mess. But I also remind myself that it’s temporary and we’re moving back in a month and a half. I can do it!
2. I hate comparison.
And then there’s comparison. I’m not one to compare especially family to family, mom to mom. We all have what works for us and what works for one may not work for another. Also our circumstances can and very well could be vastly different. So you’ll never see me judging how someone else chooses to do things! So when I feel like I am being compared to what another mom is going through with her kids or what she is capable of accomplishing in a day I get very upset. If I were to compare what my best friend can do with her two LO’s then I would never be happy. I’m not her and I definitely don’t have it together like she does nor do I have the kind of help she does either. Comparison is the theft of joy and while I truly believe it is impossible not to compare yourself, even just a little, I sure don’t want to feel like I’m being compared by others. Again, I’m hyper sensitive these days and a comment made to me could have easily meant to be harmless but it struck a cord in me and has left me feeling very upset. As if my feelings and mom struggles aren’t worthy because I’m not in the exact same situation as someone else. How could I comment on being tired when I only have one child and have been at this for just 19.5 months…
3. I am sensitive.
I’ve always been sensitive, ever since I was little, so it’s no surprise that I would be sensitive now. But, I feel like I’m in a position right now where I can’t win against some of these feelings of insecurity, comparison, and judgement (whether it be real or self-inflicted). I think I’ve put so much pressure on myself to please everyone, succeed at everything I set out to do that I analyze every little thing so much so that I open myself up to being more sensitive and critical of what’s going on around me. I can take things out of context or perceive something that’s harmless as being judgmental causing myself to be that much more sensitive to the next thing that comes my way.
Insecurity, comparison, and sensitivity go hand in hand and I’m trying to recognize as I’m experiencing those feelings to try and see what I can do to remove the negativity and replace it with positivity. Sometimes that’s removing myself from a situation and other times that’s reevaluating my feelings and trying to find out the root cause of why I’m feeling the way I am feeling. Was it a real reason or one that was made up in my head due to my insecurity surrounding so much of what’s going on in my life right now.
I may display that I am happy all the time because most often I truly am. I feel blessed beyond belief to be in the position I am in and know not everyone is so lucky to be able to stay at home with their child/children. I support my husband 100% and would do anything to help him succeed. Small sacrifices now can and hopefully will make a big difference in the future.
Did this post ring true to you? I hope if nothing else, it shows you that not everything is rainbows and butterflies even if I don’t always share it. In the age of Instagram where everyones life looks so amazing I’m just one more person here to tell you its not always so. We want to share the best aspects of our lives it’s in our nature. I try to be open and give REAL glimpses into my life because hey we’ve all been there before or will come across it at some point in our lives.
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Thank you as always for stopping by the blog today and for reading this lengthy post!
Photos by MS Photo and Video.